Medium Large Phill

Proof of Just How Random Teenagers Can Be.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Some Wicked Awesome Laws (aphabetically by state)

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.

You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Friday, September 16, 2005


Odds of being killed by a dog : 1 in 700,000

Odds of dying while in the bath tub : 1 in 1,000,000

Odds of being killed by space debris : 1 in 5 billion

Odds of being killed by poisoning : 1 in 86,000

Odds of being killed by freezing : 1 in 3 million

Odds of being killed by lightening : 1 in 2 million

Odds of being killed in a car crash : 1 in 5,000Odds of being killed in a tornado : 1 in 2 million

Odds of being killed by falling out of bed : 1 in 2 million

Odds of being killed in a plane crash : 1 in 25 million

Odds of being struck by a meterite : 1 in 10 trillion

Odds of being in a plane crash : 1 to 700,000Did You Know...If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee ....
(hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(
Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??):

Kissing someone for 1 minute burns 26 calories.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Sitting here and staring at the gentle glow of my screen I realize that how easily distracted l am is the only thing that i can focus on. Blogging is all that I want to do, yet that requires thought.


So I stare, and stare, and stare. And begin;

HIOOO!! Readers I'm back with a vengence. Posting will still be a little sporatic but hey when it got regular was it good? Don't worry there will still be Top Ten lists here and there and the old stuff that used to be on here. However I have a goal to make my posts tell a little about myself, perhaps even a weekly story.

Well considering that it took me thirty minutes to write this much I don't think that i can write much more of substance. Have a great one.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

WOW Its Been A While

Holy crap has it been a long time, and well i just want to say that I am sorry. I promise to start posting reguarly again soon. But I need your help, what should I keep, and what should I change? Anything is game, yes even the red backround with white lettering, I want this page to be appeasing to both the eye and the mind. So come on people browse the archives find what you liked and tell me what you want to see more of.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


Dilznoofus da zupping flubDAZZLE. Hizzle plop bangblee, "crongle duh hum quibble," bam You cake slap ha dong-bing...tizzle da bam! Blip woogle doo blee dee kanoodle? Zingle zap bling blap? Hum blangity noodlewoogle!

Dee DAZZLE da jangle twiddling slapzang, bam ting shnuzzle ha zappity flibblenizzle quibble. NIP SLAP? Hum flobble ho zingle blongity wiggleflab, zap fraggle WOOGLE doo dingely cringleblop tizzle. "Zap tizzle ha?" abracadabra flooblebla. Zip blabbity bloobing blongity zip ding da blobbity floobizzle.

Blong flop bleep hum zunk zung wobble ha bizzle. Zap bloobity wuggle dang abracadabra ha dingle. Flibble da rizzle bam gobble shnuzzle da jingle? Doof flong noodleslap, "ongle zip da shnaz," hum McFairy tangle wacko zip noodle-dazzle...zong hum bam! Zip zap bloo zungle tingity izzle funk bingblop?

Shnizzle doo ongle-flub. Rizzle wuggle HUM doof zap flib? Duh blopping bloo quibble twaddle ha flip. Fraggle dee blippity flibblip. "Duh fraggle duh?" blong jingledoof.

Zung zip blabbing shnuzzletang. Meep kanoodle dee flung zip crongle? Hum ongle Wang Chung...flanging blabbing wigglezingle. Tang duh shnizzle! Razzle!

Hum duh flong wubble ting a flongity izzle wubbledilznoofus? Dingle bleep twaddleflee, "dilznoofus duh zip slap," da Mr. Garrison flab zang doo tingle-tangle...zongle da zap! Da jingely fluppity flinging ha cake doo flappity flibdoof. Wow bam crongle ha crongle-bleep!! BLOP FLUNG FLANGING DA SHRUBBERYDINGLE???

Find Out What I'm talking About Here

Monday, July 11, 2005

a Ugoogaly or is it Eulogy

Somberly a young man dressed smartly in a black pinstriped suit, a matching black pinstriped fedora, and black sunglasses, stands up. He fears what the future will hold for him and this lonley bunch of pirates, mothers, mafia hitmen, and other bloggers. Can they survive?

Medium Large Phill clears his throat, sighs and begins to speak:

We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a great, dare i say wonderful blog. A blog that gave us wonderful things like: The adventures of Bono and Adam, A non-comfimed claim to the most-read blog on the internet, and a new reason to eat salads. A blog that introduced us to the Darth Tater, and of course who can forget something like the elephant plungers.

Yet despite our best efforts to get to 500 comments and two loopholes the Platypus Society has died. Soon it shall suffer the fate of all dead blogs, recycling into the ring of ads for male enhancement and pictures of a stupid cat.

We must remain together and pray that out of the ashes ads and cats our beloved Captain will rise like the phoenix.

Thank you all.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Here my friends are the some of my favorite quotes from the great movie "Blazing Saddles"

Jim: The Waco Kid: What did you expect? "Welcome sonny," "Make yourself at home," "Marry my daughter." You've got to remember, that these are just simple farmers, these are people of the land, the common clay of the new west. You know . . . morons.

Bart: Who is this Mongo, anyway?
Jim: The Waco Kid: Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who," he's more of a "what."

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks. [aloud] do pledge allegiance...
Men: pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: Hedley Lamarr...
Men: Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*.
Men: That's Hedley.

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character. [Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.

[Bart on grandstand to the townspeople]
Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
[Bart reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams. Bart pulls out paper]
Crowd: Ahhhhh.

[describing how everyone wanted to duel him when he was The Waco Kid]
Jim: Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

to two members of the KKK]
Jim: Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at.

Buddy Bizarre: Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set.
Taggart: Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face. Not the face.
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you.

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto"? "Ditto," you provincial putz?

Taggart: I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: What?
Taggart: Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: Nah, too Jewish.

Taggart: What do you want me to do sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

[a gang, bent on destruction, reaches a tollbooth]
Taggart: Anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload a' dimes.

Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town. [to camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
Hedley Lamarr: ... Why am I asking you?

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned our night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...